I had prayerfully decided that spanking didn’t make sense for me and my children.  With my husband’s support of this choice, I used the oft suggested “time out” in its place. Dutifully, I’d pick up my son, and place him on his bed for “time out” in response to inappropriate behavior.  It didn’t seem to work.  I re-considered spanking.  I even used spanking on occasion.  I was consistent, steadfast and diligent.  I was also miserable.  So was Andrew and he didn’t seem to be learning better behavior. Our enjoyment of our days decreased and frustration on both sides grew.  I determined that spanking and time-out made my son act worse, not better.  I felt I could not use time out more often or for longer as he was only two.  As for spanking, even if it felt right to me, what was I supposed to do? Spank more? Spank harder?

One day, I looked desperately at my son and asked him “How can we make this better?  What is the matter”?  My brilliant 2 year old took my hand and walked me upstairs to his room.  He proceeded to make the baby sign for “scared”.  Scared? It was like an epiphany!   He was not learning anything helpful or positive by my spanking him or putting him in time out.  He was not thinking about what he had done wrong.  He was just plain scared!  Being alone or isolated was too stressful for him.  I realized a scared, stressed child was not the best frame of mind to learn, to grow, or to do better.  There had to be a better way.

At my point of surrender I prayed, and God led me to discover positive discipline- a kind, respectful and firm approach to discipline.  As I began my journey from punitive to positive parenting, I read a lot of books.  I surfed the internet.  I watched.  I experimented and I tried.  I did great, and I failed at times, but Andrew started to feel better and act better.  Overall, I was starting to feel good about my mothering.  Until one day, I realized that I had fallen into another parenting black hole.

Although I had given up punishment, I had not yet developed many positive parenting skills of what to do instead.  I thought that since I was not hitting, I was  doing okay, but  I had replaced hitting and time-out with yelling.

        It’s humbling to admit that I didn’t realize my yelling was “that” bad.  Nor did I realize how often and how loud I was yelling, until a friend who cared enough to tell the truth did just that.  She told me my home sounded like her childhood home and though I was not yelling anything mean or shameful, my kids were still being affected by it.

I knew deep, deep down that she was right.  I knew I needed help and support.  I asked my dear friend if she would provide accountability in terms of yelling and 7 years later, she still asks me how I’m doing! 

Positive parenting is not easy, nor is it for lazy parents.  I discovered that to train my kids, I needed to be active, firm and quick.  I learned to follow each command with action.  “It’s time to go now” was followed with me steering my child towards his shoes. “It’s time to brush your teeth” was followed with handing my child his toothbrush.    This rule became known as “Say it once and act” or “Joanne’s get-off-your-bottom rule” and it was very effective.  It taught my kids that my words meant business.  Eventually, of course, I didn’t need to “act” and my kids obeyed my words alone.

As my discipline approach matured and grew, I began to take a more proactive approach by incorporating Biblical character studies into our days.  Additionally, discovering my children’s love languages, and studying their temperaments has provided me with understanding and direction in disciplining them.

My biggest fear, that non-punished children would become miserable to be around, never came to fruition. Instead, I found that graced based discipline is comprehensive and effective.  My children are still a challenge, but they are cooperative, kind, and obedient.  Our days are fun and organized.  Establishing a routine proved to be a vital and wonderful discipline tool for me.  It both minimized and prevented struggles.

Now discipline situations are not feared or stressed over.  They present an opportunity to teach, to learn, and to connect.  I’ve found that instead of breaking the trust and bond in our relationship, positive grace based discipline has enhanced it.